How Much Do Values Matter In A Relationship?
When finding someone to spend the rest of your life with, how much do their values matter?
| Updated February 23, 2021
Is it the end of a relationship if you don't see eye-to-eye on everything, or can things be worked out to a happy medium? More and more, people with high moral standards or a particular set of values find it harder than ever to find a person that shares the same beliefs and ideas. Inevitably, you will have to make compromises on certain things. There is no one person that inhabits all the values you think they should, and it's unreasonable to expect it to be so. Keeping your mind open but still remaining steadfast in your own morals and values is certainly becoming the norm.
People often go back to their homelands to find spouses that they think will be more akin to their own values, but this often discounts the individuals living in their own area who are in the same boat. Somehow, people have this idea that people from "back home" have better values and morals—and this simply isn't the case. Trying to find someone who shares the same values as you however, is still very hard—and very hard to gauge.
If you've found someone who you like, really get along with, and seem to have a connection with, be open to discussing your values and where they stand. Don't be afraid to scare anyone away. If they are easily frightened by that, then you know they aren't the person for you. Be honest but not judgmental. Kind, yet open-minded. Take their opinions into consideration, and if after a lot of thoughtful discussion, they don't seem to be on the same wavelength as you, you can decide what to do then.
But what exactly are some of the questions you should ask to figure this out? The following are just a few examples, so you can find out for yourself if you value the same sort of things. Most of these questions have follow up or leading questions, and probably should be asked as bluntly as they're put here. These are just some guidelines:
- 1) How do you feel about working/not working after marriage? What about going to school?
- 2) Do you plan on having any kids? Is there a general timeframe you'd like that to happen?
- 3) How do you feel about dietary restrictions for religious reasons (Kosher, Halal, etc.)?
- 4) Do you drink or smoke?
- 5) What's been your most serious relationship?
- 6) Would you want to move from the place you live now?
- 7) Did you want to live on your own or with your parents/in-laws?
- 8) What do you think of organized religion?
- 9) What are your career interests? How would you like to pursue them?
- 10) How important is your family to you?
- 11) What issues do you feel most strongly about? Why?
- 12) Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?
- 13) Are you very social, or do you prefer to stay at home?
These are just some ideas on how to find out if you're both on the same page. By all means, come up with your own questions and be open to new ideas.